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Jan. 4th, 2006 11:02 pmI've had a lot of conversations over the last few days, with a lot of different people about a lot of different things. If you look at them all, they form quite a nice snapshot of everything and everybody in my life, actually.
None of them have been bad, some I've been upset for other people, but never upset for me. And yet some things now which I'm looking back on and thinking of as fairly neutral conversations I know last year would have upset me at least a little bit, whereas now I'm mostly just relieved or pleased something's just been said, rather than assumed.
This means one of two things: either that in the past few months I've actually changed for the better and got my backbone back, or that I have done this but in doing so have taken it too far and put walls back up again.
Now, I really don't think it's the latter - I feel gloriously alive, it's like there are sparks at my fingertips and static energy crackling all over me; what's more, I feel, I love people, I get upset because someone hurts them, I'm alive.
So, it's the former - I've found me again, I really have put things together the way I hoped I had.
The way I look at the oncoming term now, in the light of all the 20 odd conversations the last two days, it all seems to slot together. I was fretting before, and getting myself confused over somethings and forgetting other things and making others into more than they needed to be. And it's like it's all finally slotted into place, and it feels like magic.
I'm suddenly inspired, and this isn't the place, and there's a fountain pen beside me, and I'm going to run off with it now and leave cyber space behind for now.
None of them have been bad, some I've been upset for other people, but never upset for me. And yet some things now which I'm looking back on and thinking of as fairly neutral conversations I know last year would have upset me at least a little bit, whereas now I'm mostly just relieved or pleased something's just been said, rather than assumed.
This means one of two things: either that in the past few months I've actually changed for the better and got my backbone back, or that I have done this but in doing so have taken it too far and put walls back up again.
Now, I really don't think it's the latter - I feel gloriously alive, it's like there are sparks at my fingertips and static energy crackling all over me; what's more, I feel, I love people, I get upset because someone hurts them, I'm alive.
So, it's the former - I've found me again, I really have put things together the way I hoped I had.
The way I look at the oncoming term now, in the light of all the 20 odd conversations the last two days, it all seems to slot together. I was fretting before, and getting myself confused over somethings and forgetting other things and making others into more than they needed to be. And it's like it's all finally slotted into place, and it feels like magic.
I'm suddenly inspired, and this isn't the place, and there's a fountain pen beside me, and I'm going to run off with it now and leave cyber space behind for now.
